Tending the Fire

Below is part of my synthesis presentation for the completion of my graduate degree in spiritual studies Seattle University's School of Theology & Ministry (STM)

I have played with the image of fire as a spiritual metaphor in myriad ways over the years. The theme of my graduation from Boston College was the scriptural command to “Go and set the world on fire!” The first written work for STM in my Hebrew Scriptures class in the fall of 2006 was a reflection on God as the burning bush that appears to Moses in Exodus, the fire that does not consume as it blazes. I gave a presentation in my Mysticism and Transformation class on fire as a spiritual metaphor. In the course Theological Reflection in Ministry I was asked to symbolically image myself as minister and I once again incorporated fire, describing my minister self as the glowing embers of a quiet campfire. For Roman Catholics like myself, fire appears liturgically in all its physical states: the candles that brighten the darkness as we light an additional flame each week during the Advent season; the ashes that mark our brows at the start of Lent on Ash Wednesday; the incense used at high masses; and fire is present at Pentecost, baptism, marriage, vigils, and in many, many other forms of sacramental and ritual worship. My parents and siblings and I have always gathered around the fireplace in winter and the fire pit in summer, sitting in the warm glow of God’s love. In approaching this presentation, then, it should not be surprising that I could not escape the image of fire as a lifelong presence on my journey.

Today I invite us to gather around this campfire in intimacy and love as I tell the stories of where I am on the spiritual journey at present, the trail that brought me to this gathering, and the open road before me that stretches beyond the transformative STM circle that’s held me for the past four years.

1. The campfire glows with red-hot embers and crackling sparks.

“I have set the LORD continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
 My flesh also will dwell securely. For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay. 
 You will make known to me the path of life;
 In Your presence is fullness of joy;
 In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.” Psalm 16:8-11

My family and friends, especially my parents, siblings, grandparents and my roommate, offer me unconditional love and guidance. Recently, I have come to accept that I deeply love and lead myself as well. It’s liberating and affirming to be able to say this aloud.

One of the most powerful God images for me is that of the divine sculptor, chiseling and forming me with intricately carved love and grace. Being formed by a cosmic goodness is not always easy to recognize—often, it feels like a violent cutting away that bruises as it refines. However, the tough choices and painful losses in my life have in some way bred growth and shape me in ways I could not have predicted—in ways I would perhaps not have chosen. And yet I find myself feeling blessed and extremely grateful for my life and my loves. It’s as though the fire of God’s love purifies me as it burns off my fears and anxieties, all the while holding me in the divine sculptor’s warm hands.

God has many faces in my life: Jesus, Rumi, Valerie Lesniak, Annie Dillard, Flannery O’Connor, Christian and Hebrew scriptures, Hindu scriptures, Buddhist mantras, Thich Naht Hahn, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Graham Greene, Jack Kerouac, Mother Earth, my spiritual director, my shadows. Present also around this fiery circle are many companions on my journey: John, Carolyn, Reid, Sara, Jana, Rita, Beauch, Marcelle, Maralyn, Jack, Audrey, Yates, Hilary, Jessie, Beth, Kate, Chris, Mia, Nina, Joe, Kelly.

I feel the sparks of my inner fire calling me to write about my spirituality and to creatively converse with the spiritual wisdom in all aspects of life. I am working on my writing and would like to pick up playing the piano again, a love of mine that I set aside when I was twelve or so. I also long to join flames by collaborating with others in my writing and music, and I see myself traveling to experience other fires in different parts of the world.

I tend to my inner flame by being in nature, walking, running, meditating, practicing energy medicine, kneeling at my prayer altar, and remaining connected to my many loves through various forms of socializing, laughter and play.

There’s much kindling that helps to ignite in me passion and joy: Russian literature, living near my family, social justice, prayer, intimacy, creating sacred beauty in the spaces I occupy, the food I eat, and the overall manner in which I live.

“God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Romans 5:5

This is where I am now.

2. The fire that is not fed turns quickly to ashes.

"No one lights a lamp and puts it in a hiding place or under a basket, but on a lamp stand, so that those who enter may see its light.” Luke 11:33

In somewhat masochistic fashion, I seem to vacillate between harsh self-judgment and immobilizing self-pity. I wish to end the life-draining habits and commitments that I fearfully hide behind, such as my attitudes about food and body image, and my tendency to avoid taking risks that could lead to amazing opportunities and joys. Rather than fueling my inner fires, I once settled for the safe office job. I once chose to stay in an unhealthy relationship and was of course burned. My beloved grudges and bitter resentments must be smoked out. I need to extinguish the belief that I am not worth it.

It no longer works to see myself without passion for independence or for a successful career. I must learn to loosen my grip on the narrow dream of one day being a wife and mother and broaden my view to illumine the ways in which I am already a partner and nurturer to the loves in my life.

Deep healing is needed in my relationship with my body, in the corrosive ways that I have turned away from smoldering depression and scorching anxiety, and in the ashy wound of my heart that was painfully scalded after the incineration of a lengthy romantic relationship.

I pray that as these ashes cool, my shadows, regrets, grudges and harsh habits which smother my wholeness will be reduced to smoke and vapor, powerless to further singe or brand me.

“… If therefore your whole body is full of light, with no dark part in it, it will be wholly illumined, as when the lamp illumines you with its rays.” Luke 11:36

This is the trail that brought me here.

3. Feeding the fire—life beyond STM.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

This transition from student to graduate is enkindling new energy in me towards seeking a job that is grounded in my gifts and passions rather than finding a job simply to make ends meet. I’m finding greater freedom in owning my vision of self as a spiritual writer and discerning a vocational path that will propel me towards that reality.

Being “grown up,” for lack of a better phrase, is flashing in me and I am taking hold of independence, ablaze with certitude about who I am and I’m enjoying the process of claiming my life as my own.

I feel called to rekindle in a serious way a life of service and ministry. This has never quite materialized in my life due to a zillion excuses, including time, energy, guts and follow-through. There is a new brightness about myself as Kelly-in-the-real-world that entices me to confidently put out the image of myself as student, which I have in essence always been.

I believe that moving out into the world as authentic-Kelly will soothe the burns that I have inflicted upon my body and that I feel in my charred heart. In many ways I feel capable to demand more of myself than I’ve ever had the nerve to, because I feel changed by this program, prepared and cooked, as it were, by the divine mystery to step into the light of my true self, a self that shines her light, always.

“This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life …” Deuteronomy 30:19