Big Breath! Advent, Week Two

My friend asked me what Advent is, he being a religion-less heathen. As if simply being a non-Christian weren't treacherous enough. Seriously though, his question brought me pause, as Advent also calls me to halt in the silence that is the inhale before the eruption of heralding angel voices singing, "Glory to the newborn King!" Oh Advent. Oh waiting. Oh patience, anticipation, anxiety attacks. Well, that last one isn't exactly part of the proper Advent season celebrated by Christians as we prepare for the birth of Christ on Christmas. But it was part of my second week of Advent. It's probably nothing, but as the days plunge into further darkness I find myself suffering from mysterious angst.

Last Sunday marked the second week of Advent, when we Catholics get to light two candles around the Advent wreath, the light and Christmas excitement building as we tumble towards December twenty-fifth. The day began as smooth and lazy as any Sunday might, but was pocked around one o'clock when my chest tightened, my pulse quickened, and the room with its walls and ceiling left me claustrophobic and panicked. Like any person enduring a panic attack might do, I began huffing exaggeratedly loud and helplessly waved my wrists as my tears started. Pathetic.

The freak moment passed and I shamelessly crawled into my bed for the rest of the afternoon thinking, "Am I really a crazy person?" Verdict? Yes, I totally am. But not because I have anxiety issues or food intolerances or even because I share way too much personal information on my insignificant blog that I make my friends and family read. No, that's not my crazy, that's just me. My crazy is that I remain a Roman Catholic--devout and practicing, more or less--despite all the guilt and daddy issues and anger this belief ignites in me. (More on all that at some later date). Being Catholic is part of my crazy. And so then is observing the season of Advent.

Advent marks a specific space in Christian consciousness during which we anticipate Jesus' birth. The ever-risen Christ is, during this hushed time of waiting, not yet born to the world. Advent serves to remind us believers that God's kingdom is always here and not here; always now and not yet. As Fr. Richard Rohr phrases it, adult Christianity is about "making your entire life, and the life of the church, one huge advent." Being human is about always becoming human. To my Catholic mind, Advent is the deep inbreath of solace before the joyous exaltation that hope is born, today and always.

RESOURCES:

Richard Rohr, Preparing for Christmas (Cincinnati, OH: St. Anthony Messenger Press, 2008)