It's a New Year and I find myself reflecting on the past year with disastrous abandon--really, somebody stop me! The minutes before sleep are filled with flip-chart memories as I click through 2011: the highs, the lows, the achievements and disappointments. Something that occurs to me is how necessary this process of mulling over myself must be, since it's been lasting nearly two weeks and refuses to budge much. Honestly, I'm kind of suffocating beneath the weight of it all. As is evident from this blog, I am always seeking meaning in experience--why did this happen, what for, who am I becoming, who am I, so what life, universe, everything? So what?!?
So, what I've decided to do is simply wait. I sit and stew in the indulgent horror of my own thoughts--dangerous narcissism; near-psychotic over-thinking of life's dumb details; deep deep joy and satisfaction coupled with the unbearable restlessness of being. Sigh. St. Ignatius of Loyola has some really great advice that I've carried with me and shared and used as appropriate (which is frequently!): Iggy says that one ought not make sweeping changes/decisions/life-moves when she is experiencing desolation. According to St. Ignatius, desolation is the
darkness of the soul, turmoil of the mind, inclination to low and earthly things, restlessness resulting from many disturbances and temptations which lead to loss of faith, loss of hope, and loss of love. It is also desolation when a soul finds itself completely apathetic, tepid, sad, and separated as it were, from its Creator and Lord (Spiritual Exercises).
Image taken from buzzfeed.com.
I love Ignatius' use of the word tepid--what's more mundane than a glass of room temperature life? Not really half-full or half-empty, just totally boring. Totally bleh. Although, I will say I'm not in the grips of bleh-dom as I have experienced depression in the past, but rather am feeling like I'm on some chaotic hamster wheel, churning over and over all the moments that comprise a year, sifting through the dirt for some bit of golden meaning.
Speaking of dirt, the following ancient Chinese saying is another helpful spiritual insight,
Do you have the patience to wait for your mud to settle; unmoving until your waters clear, and an impulse gradually leads to life? (from the Tau Te Ching, by Lau-tzu)Essentially, what St. Ignatius is talking about is this impulse towards life, or what he calls consolation. Unlike the notion of a "consolation prize" from contemporary-speak, Ignatian consolation is deep and true contentment, "interior joy," peace. Sounds rad, right? One way to approach consolation, according to the saint, is to notice the pieces of life that are life-giving, and those that are life-draining. (Checkout the Examen for lots more on this). I think that in some subconscious and drive-me-crazy sort of way, that's exactly what all my mulling over myself is about. What in 2011 gave me life, inspired me, brought me joy? What in 2011 bred sadness, disappointment, despair? Sift it out, then purge the junk. An effective keep-toss of the year in review. I'm keeping my awesome job, loving family, amazing friends, healthy habits. I'm tossing my need to control things, quantify success, make things work, have unfair expectations. Shit, maybe I'll just toss all my expectations but for to expect that I deserve love and joy. And some consolation baby, yeah. (Still waiting).
You are so-o-o funny. I laughed out loud when reading the first two sentences on that second para, as well as when I read the cartoon! Ha ha.
ReplyDeleteAppreciated your breakdown of the examen, though, yes, I saw the link-- it really does just come down to that.
There's also a story about "The White Wolf," which is another tradition's examen..!
And, of course, there's always this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gh6YN2lqjOE